How to Support a Survivor: Do’s and Don’ts for Friends and Family

What to say, what not to say, and how to be there—without pushing too hard.

When someone you love experiences sexual violence, it’s natural to want to fix it. You may feel heartbroken, angry, confused, or even helpless. But the most powerful thing you can do is simply show up—with compassion, patience, and a willingness to listen.

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At Christina’s Courage, we work with survivors every day—and we see how much their healing is impacted by the support of the people around them. Here are some practical, trauma-informed do’s and don’ts for supporting a survivor in your life.

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✅ DO: Listen without interrupting

Let the survivor share at their own pace. Avoid asking for graphic details or pushing for answers. Even if you're feeling emotional or shocked, try to stay centered on their experience.

“I’m here to listen, whenever you’re ready to talk.”

❌ DON’T: Ask “Why didn’t you…?”

Avoid questions that can feel like blame:

• “Why didn’t you fight back?”
• “Why didn’t you tell someone sooner?”
• “Why were you there?”

Even well-meaning questions like these can make someone feel judged. Remember: the responsibility always lies with the perpetrator—not the survivor.

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✅ DO: Believe them

This one matters most. Survivors often stay silent because they fear they won’t be believed. Even if you’re struggling to process what happened, the most powerful message you can give is:

“I believe you. It’s not your fault. I’m here.”

❌ DON’T: Push them to report or “move on”

Every survivor’s healing process is different. Some may want to take legal action, while others may not. Both choices are valid. Support them in making their own decisions, not the ones you think are best.

Instead of: “You have to go to the police.”
Try: “Do you want to talk through your options? I’ll support whatever you choose.”

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✅ DO: Offer specific, manageable help

Survivors may have trouble asking for what they need. Try offering a few clear options:

• “Can I drive you to your next appointment?”
• “Would it help if I made dinner tonight?”
• “Want me to go with you to talk to someone?”

❌ DON’T: Make it about you

It’s okay to feel upset or shaken—but try not to center your emotions in the moment. Avoid saying things like:

• “I don’t know what I’d do if that happened to me.”
• “I feel so helpless.”
• “This is breaking me.”

Instead, hold space for their feelings, and find someone you trust to talk to about your own later.

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✅ DO: Respect their privacy

Let them decide who knows what, and when. Don’t share their story with others—even if you mean well or think it might help.

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✅ DO: Keep showing up

Healing takes time. Your ongoing support—months or even years after the trauma—can be life-changing. Continue to check in, offer encouragement, and remind them they’re not alone.

“No pressure to talk—I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you.”

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Final Thoughts

Supporting a survivor isn’t about having the perfect words. It’s about being present, staying kind, and letting them lead the way.

If you or someone you know needs help, Christina’s Courage offers free, confidential services including advocacy, therapy, and forensic care.

📞 24/7 Hotline: 1-888-956-7273
📍 Learn more about our services for survivors